i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
