She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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