so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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