I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
