According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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