Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
