Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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