He uses pillows to masturbate.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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