I didn't shave. On purpose
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
