I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
