gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
