I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
