i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
