On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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