i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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