my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
