Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
