I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
