I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
