if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
