New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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