Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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