i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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