happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
