Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
