how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
