i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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