your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
