Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
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Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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