My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My vagina just recognized that song.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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