You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
