no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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