i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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