hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
