finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
