Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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