3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
