so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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