Me too!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
