i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I need moral support for this bender
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
