I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
