She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
