I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
