I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
