you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
