saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
