I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
