Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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