I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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