I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
