just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
