Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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