You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
