and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
