Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I want a musical about memes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
