im six kinds of drunk right now
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You ruined the universe
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
